Fear & Anxiety

Have you tried many things, but always end up in the “fear trap,” feeling paralyzed and unable to move forward?

Finally freeing yourself from your [irrational] fears can feel like finally being able to break free from chains that may have been around for many years, something like this:

And here is a wonderful quote that relates exactly to this context:

Liberation is blocked above all by the refusal to let go, because we strive for security, certainty, and fixed results. Liberation (…) requires risk. “Letting go” means giving up the desire for security; [it is] breaking chains, shaking off fear and obsession: We “wake up” and discover that the locks on our chains have disappeared, raise our arms—and our shackles fall away. But—they cannot fall if we cling to them so much that we are afraid without them. Perhaps the chains no longer hang on us, but we still cling to them[?]”

Dr. Ernest Kurtz, 1935-2015


So let’s look at the topic of fear from a variety of angles …

Anxiety disorder

The word “fear” comes from the Latin root “angustus” (narrow, cramped) or angustia (narrowness, confinement, distress).

Ultimately, it is always a question of which parts and forces within us we have “given control” to—we think that our freedom has been taken away from us by something or someone else.

But before we get to the topics where fear has taken control in an “unnatural” way and begun to impair our quality of life, here are the positive sides (!) of fear:

• Fear is normal and necessary for survival

What pain is to our body, fear is to our psyche.

Both enable behavior that is compatible with life – if someone were unable to feel pain, they would soon cause themselves harm in the form of injuries and worse.

• Fear makes us human

Humans laugh, they cry, they feel fear, they feel joy. They think things through and use these thoughts – hopefully – creatively.

• Fear is part of culture and makes us grow up

Think of Grimm’s fairy tale “The Boy Who Went Out to Learn Fear.”

Discovering this and facing your fears is part of the process of becoming yourself.

• Fear makes us think ahead

Fear can be a good companion to creativity.

Fear guards our wit (Friedrich Schiller):

It sometimes vetoes, makes us hesitate and think things through again, and possibly develop an idea further before we act. Internal ambivalence (desire for change vs. fear of change) can also be very useful, for example in relationships.

Yes, fear can make you creative: Even and especially in critical situations, we are capable of amazing creative ideas and approaches – e.g., when everything is at stake and a quick solution is needed.

A genuine anxiety disorder only exists when someone is barely able to break out of their own cycle of fear on their own.

Disclaimer

In addition to and complementary to my work as a coach, I am also a naturopath for psychotherapy in accordance with the German Naturopaths Act. If you believe you are suffering from a genuine “clinical”

anxiety disorder, please consult a psychological psychotherapist and/or a doctor first to have this clarified.

If you are unsure, we can discuss it; please feel free to make an appointment.

Generalized anxiety disorder

A generalized anxiety disorder is – as the name suggests – a “general feeling of anxiety” that often manifests itself in a diffuse way.

It manifests itself in frequent worry and tension, even about everyday things—and very directly through the body—see also below under Anxiety Disorder Symptoms.

Defensive and avoidance behavior is pronounced. And you often seek external confirmation of your worries (this then creates “self-fulfilling prophecies”).

Constant tension is perhaps the most typical symptom; and since we and our system and our brain(!) naturally seek more balance and security – even if it is only perceived security! – we seek it in different ways. This can be physical or simply by starting to avoid certain situations – but this makes the cage we have put ourselves in smaller and smaller.

Any “triggers” of anxiety are avoided and we increasingly prefer only environments in which these triggers are no longer (or no longer so often) present.

Anxiety disorder symptoms

There are numerous symptoms of anxiety, they can include:

=> Sweating

=> Stomach problems

=> A feeling of tightness in the throat

=> Dry mouth

=> Difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep

=> Muscle tension

=> Hot flashes or cold chills

=> Heart palpitations

and much more.

We can also observe things about ourselves on a mental level:

We actively avoid certain situations as much as possible—out of fear that the anxiety will be triggered again. These can be places where there are many people (e.g., public transportation or supermarkets, etc.).

Or they may be situations that connect us even more directly to our primal fear or our fear of death on a deep level – such as the fear of driving.

This is how our brain works: whenever an incoherent state (high energy consumption) is brought into a coherent state (significantly lower energy consumption), a – in this case – pseudo-feeling of relief (because the fear has been “warded off again”!) can spread. Coherence is something like consistency.

In the best case scenario, this coherence can even create a feeling of happiness via connections and neurotransmitters.

In the case of our topic here, we are dealing with learned fear or learned avoidance strategies.

Anxiety disorder causes

What are the causes of an anxiety disorder?

The development of so-called anxiety disorders can have various causes.

It is perhaps better to put it another way:

It is often a combination of different factors that break through our defenses against fear and, so to speak, reawaken a sense of our primal fear.

And then we are faced with real difficulties.

Possible factors include:

=> Stress (here is a link to the blog article on stress) – this refers to negative distress; there is also “positive stress,” which makes us particularly creative, known as eustress.

=> Events or triggers that remind us of traumatic or stressful personal experiences from the past.

=> In exceptional cases, genetic factors (especially in connection with depression).

=> Psychological predisposition.

=> Physical illnesses (e.g., diabetes, hormonal problems).

=> (Heavy) alcohol or drug consumption.

How does fear arise – in simple terms?

There are two different stages:

Roughly speaking, fear is a very old human response and reaction (!) to danger, and is generated in us particularly quickly and directly, with hormones such as cortisol and, in particular, adrenaline putting all physical systems on alert. The three most typical reactions are generally known: flight, fight, and freeze, or FFF for short.

Apart from these evolutionarily positive and downright necessary aspects of fear, and based on the above explanations, in particular the expectation continuum, the first stage is (unnatural) fear when the following instinctual needs – i.e., in the sense of innate expectations – are not (timely) fulfilled as an infant (according to Rainer Taëni):

=> For total, unrestricted acceptance

=> For comprehensive physical contact (with stimulation of ALL senses)

=> For freedom to explore creatively and experiment playfully with the environment

=> For unhindered expression of ALL feelings

=> For one’s own growth rhythm, in which self-responsibility can be increasingly practiced – this becomes more and more pronounced with increasing language and thinking skills.

If these drives and needs are not satisfied or not satisfied at the right time, if these connections, which are expected to be vital, do not come about, then – at least in the case of helpless and abandoned infants – feelings remain incomplete. The resulting pain is largely repressed.

The second stage is now latent fear and a general blockage that arises precisely from this. Fear has taken the place of the expression of drives.

On the one hand, the sum of patterns and programs then develops from the system’s efforts to ward off fear. On the other hand, numerous compensations naturally arise in one’s own behavior—whether it is a tendency to work too much, an inability to let go, for example in sexuality (“keeping everything under control”), or the subliminal misconception that a lot of money or wealth or anything else could bring healing (of the permanent inner tension).

Latent fear can also manifest itself in social anxiety, fear of driving, fear of failure, and much more.

What is fear of fear?

As already explained above, fear is also an important emotion in our lives.

It helps us to react more quickly in dangerous situations.

The hormones released and the physical reactions increase our alertness (the body prepares to flee or attack).

Fear is therefore not only essential for survival, but can also positively motivate us to do certain things or overcome our own limitations.

However, if the fear becomes too strong, it can be paralyzing, and anxiety and panic attacks can have a significant impact on our quality of life.

Both psychotherapy and consistent personal coaching can be very helpful here.

If you like, fear of fear is actually most often the real problem(!).

And almost everything in our environment is geared towards supporting our defensive reactions to fear (so it is extremely counterproductive). There are endless distractions and ways to avoid it, and ultimately, psychotropic drugs are also used to combat fear.

But if you’re not just looking for “aspirin solutions” and really want to understand what’s going on with you, if you really want to make lasting changes, then Roter Faden may be the right place for you. Feel free to contact me here.

Fear of death

How can you overcome the fear of death?

In psychology, thanatophobia is the name given to the fear of death when it manifests itself as a specific phobia. Such fears often occur together with depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The mortality paradox describes how people often live as if they could never die, even though they know that one day they will. Death is usually only the death of others.

As a first step toward a new way of dealing with death and the fear of it, I can really recommend that you engage more with death!

The fear of death is often associated with the fear of suffering, of illness, and sometimes also with the “uncertainty behind it.” And—once again—dealing with it can lead to more serenity, especially in a society like ours, where death is often taboo.

At Roter Faden, we always approach topics on several levels:

We look at the mental and emotional levels, and sometimes at the neuropsychological and developmental psychological levels. And – if there is openness to it – also at the spiritual dimension.

Here’s just a little bit about that: The more you succeed in taking yourself (and your thoughts) seriously and AT THE SAME TIME less seriously, the better you will feel.

What is the fear of rejection?

As already described, it is about the feeling of being at the mercy of others as a small child.

When a child follows its instinctive expectations and needs according to the “expectation continuum” and expresses its displeasure by screaming, crying, or whatever other means, this is naturally a challenge for stressed parents.

At the same time, an angry reaction – especially from the mother during this phase – can lead to a fear of retaliation, which becomes ingrained. And this is precisely what forms patterns consisting of fear of rejection, guilt, and shame.

Much later, this often breaks down and we realize, for example, how great our fear of rejection by our parents, colleagues, friends, or boss is. Or by our partner.

It is often only through therapy or intensive coaching that we discover that these are very old feelings of guilt that were formed at that very early stage.

If you are reading this text, you already belong to a very small minority!

Most people prefer to perfect their fear defenses and mechanisms. This sometimes includes behaving quite badly towards others in order to avoid feeling their own pain.

Fear of rejection is extremely unpleasant, but confronting it is the first step on the path to self-discovery. It is an adventure, but it is worth it.

So: take a step further and—if you like—feel free to contact us at hh@roter-faden-coaching.de!

Social anxiety

When the fear of hurt feelings wins out… Social phobia or social anxiety disorder is one of the so-called phobic disorders. After all, the fear of social evaluation is the third most common mental illness after alcohol dependence and depression.

But once again: I recommend that you first detach yourself from the concept of illness!

Between seven and twelve percent of all people suffer from social anxiety symptoms at least once in their lives. This can often trigger further problems such as depression, alcohol and substance abuse.

Be brave and recognize this as a signal from your life and your soul!

The fear of being critically judged by other people can be very stressful –

and at the same time, it is a great opportunity to learn a lot about yourself.

The fear of making mistakes, being embarrassed, behaving stupidly, or even experiencing humiliation or hurt can massively impair your quality of life.

The very slow realization that these are almost exclusively stories created by our own minds, which still “trigger” many older issues within us, can already be very liberating: And it is worth continuing and facing this fear.

The most wonderful and powerful motive for courageously embarking on such a serious process with oneself was once expressed by a client of mine: she wanted to enjoy her own life and wanted to find it (again) (!).

Fear of failure

In technical terms, this is also called atychiphobia: the fear of making mistakes.

The following are typical symptoms of fear of failure:

=> Trembling

=> Sweating

=> Panic attacks

=> Nervousness and tension

=> Chest tightness and shortness of breath

=> Loss of appetite

=> Rapid heartbeat

=> Gastrointestinal complaints and diarrhea

=> Sleep disorders

=> Thoughts of escape (escapism)

Just the thought of an exam, a presentation, a particular challenge—even meeting a man or woman, or talking to the boss—is enough to trigger panic. Fear of failure causes us to procrastinate, freeze up, or look for excuses. Complete mental blocks or concentration problems can also occur. No wonder this often ends in depression.

There is also the opposite reaction—excessive perfectionism and actionism: If I achieve at least 150%, then maybe that will be enough … [Because actually, what I do isn’t really worth much].

Again, this causes a lot of stress, and people seek compensation through alcohol, drugs, and other addictive substances, which can lead to burnout.

Fear of failure is much more widespread than you might think, and it’s important to slowly but consistently rebuild your self-esteem: I’d be happy to help you with this – write to me at hh@roter-faden-coaching.de and let’s talk!

Fear of life

Why am I afraid of life?

As described several times above, the non-satisfaction of our natural instinctual needs at a specific time triggers fears that we may carry with us as latent anxiety for a long time, until we perhaps ask ourselves whether life really has to be so painful.

The very affirmation of ourselves as who we are and as individuals is something that may have been denied to us—so it is no wonder that the beautiful sides of life are not (or cannot be) seen: it is a feeling of worthlessness that makes us feel that everything is meaningless.

Our own ego is inventive enough to come up with stories that fit this feeling and then tell them to us over and over again.

In its fear of life, our own ego is inventive enough to come up with stories that fit this feeling – we ask ourselves why we are afraid of life, and our head then tells us these very stories over and over again.

But that is certainly not what life itself wants from us…

And life owes us nothing – rather, we owe life something, namely that we cast off the chains of our fear and accept it. Just as it is.

Why are people afraid of freedom?

If we do not experience the satisfaction of our instinctual needs in time on the above-mentioned “expectation continuum” (Jean Liedloff) – and here especially the feeling of security with all our senses – then we walk around our whole lives with an almost insatiable addiction to security.

And we will never fully experience this feeling of security; it is like the carrot held in front of the donkey’s nose on a stick with a string, so that it can never quite reach it. The fear of freedom is then also the fear of self-determination, of becoming truly autonomous. It seems “safer” to remain at a childlike level.

No wonder there are so many children in adult bodies running around “out there”…

But freedom is worth it, and so is growing up – the latter is often independent of age.

Fear of the future

What is fear of the future?

Fear of the future is closely related to fear of life itself.

However, life ONLY takes place in the present.

The sum of our patterns and programs, which are active via our “ego,” has ‘learned’ from early childhood to be suspicious of the present – the “ego” thrives on making us either regret something in the past or view the future as something threatening through our own imagination.

Even though the ‘ego’ would have us believe that it is capable of offering us security, this is always just an imagined view.

The price for this is high: fear of the future is imprisoning oneself in an inner cage. Slowly, we become accustomed to constant suffering.

And we can even find meaning in it: then I am better prepared for the future! … This is a belief that keeps us trapped in this attitude.

It is NOT about fighting yourself, but rather about disempowering your own ‘ego’ with its stories.

Have the courage to set out on this journey! And actually, you are already there.

Why am I constantly afraid that something bad will happen?

Ultimately, the sum of your patterns and programs has created an addiction to security.

Since your ‘ego’ constantly perceives this security to be in danger, it ensures that you are constantly preoccupied with possible dangers – fear is the engine that directs your attention.

Since it is, of course, impossible to take ALL possible futures into account, this not only costs a lot of (life) energy and is exhausting, but also leads to depressive moods.

The addiction to security is like Sisyphus: he had to roll a heavy stone up a mountain again and again, and just before the summit, it slipped away from him and rolled back down. It (security) will never be achieved in this way, and your own real life will be postponed again.

How can you overcome your fear of the future?

Here’s the good news: it is possible to do something—or, perhaps better put, to stop doing something. There are various ways to do this, but they all start with no longer fighting what is there in the moment, but rather allowing it to be there for now.

It is important to stop running away from yourself and to face things head-on.

The fear of fear is usually the worst part, and once it is overcome, many of the “actual” fears behind it often turn out to be much smaller than we thought.

Remaining in the present or returning to the present can be achieved with mindfulness exercises – perhaps the most effective and simplest of which is to focus on your own breathing. Every time a thought or worry intrudes, it’s time to return to your breath.

This requires as much training as training a rarely used muscle. But it gets better and better over time.

And here’s the big secret: DO NOT judge and evaluate yourself for “not even being able to do that”…!
On the contrary! Be happy. Every time you “catch” a thought or worry distracting you from your breathing, it’s a small step forward on the path to greater mindfulness and awareness – and to overcoming your fear of the future.

10 rules for dealing with fear

10 rules for overcoming fear and panic:

1. Fear is initially a normal stress reaction, and this also applies to the physical symptoms.
2. Fear reactions are not harmful to your health.
3. Stay “with yourself” and observe yourself – what is happening? In your environment? With you? In your body? Simply by describing it intensively – as if you were answering a teacher’s question – you are already taking the edge off the fear.
4. If you notice that the fear is intensified by “catastrophizing” through imagined ideas in your head, take a decisive step back internally and see what happens
5. Be brave and don’t walk away from the situation (avoidance programs!). Stay where you are until the fear subsides
6. Use “zooming” – What does the fear look like when you slowly zoom out, when you yourself, the object of the fear, and the fear itself become smaller and smaller?
7. Set yourself small but meaningful mini tests of courage – these can start off really tiny and then slowly get bigger. They don’t have to be dangerous, but they will teach you to break out of the spiral of avoidance.
8. Establish the motto within yourself: When I am afraid, I learn and grow, and when I am not, I am full of joie de vivre. So take yourself and that little child inside you by the hand!
9. Slow down when your head tells you another scary story!
10. Let the “movie scene” play out voluntarily (don’t fight it anymore!), but switch to slow motion! Take your time and watch what is happening (or supposedly happening).
11. Fear likes to quickly cast a veil over everything, including joy.

Joy is a feeling that you should NEVER put off or postpone!

So rejoice in small steps forward. Rejoice in staying in the present and in your slowly growing courage—and thus in disempowering your fear demons!

If you would like me to accompany you for a while, please feel free to write to me at hh@roter-faden-coaching.de. I look forward to hearing from you!

Calming methods for anxiety

There are numerous ways to address the issue.
At Roter Faden [‘Red Thread’], we approach it on several levels.

When searching for the best calming methods for anxiety, it is important to also explore ways that “bypass the mind” – which is why we like to work with EMDR or with “wave riding” (an ingenious method to bring the mind and the emotional realm into a dialogue. 

You can help yourself most by no longer running away from yourself, but by facing up to your fears.

What helps with fear of work?

When it comes to fear of work, it helps to focus less and less on the fear and more and more on the issue at hand.

What really needs to be done? Ask yourself as many questions as possible – but do so from the perspective of a benevolent and curious observer: How could this work? How can this be solved? What do I need to do this? What is the goal and what should the outcome be?

Once you have established this mode of questioning, allow yourself to ask whether you are doing the “right” thing. Can you develop your full potential in this job, in this task?

What would you need to do to improve? Or would you need to give something up?

Or do you perhaps even need to reinvent yourself [career reorientation]?

And when fear or anxiety arise, don’t repress or avoid it, but “examine” it. What is it really? Where does it come from? What are the thoughts that go through your mind?

With these approaches, you are already well on your way!

How can you deal with fear better?

As described above, the first step is to accept and acknowledge yourself – just as you are NOW. With your “being.” With your “becoming.” The fuel for your fears is always that you want to be someone else.

The second step is to deal with all the emotions that are there. What patterns, programs, thoughts, and emotions rule you? Slowly, piece by piece, take back control.

One of the most wonderful pieces of news from neuroscience is that such changes are possible, regardless of age. Our brain remains “plastic,” i.e., malleable and adaptable until the very end.

And thirdly, come (back) to yourself – if you succeed in doing this and you are once again in touch with your soul, then your thoughts, feelings, and actions will become “coherent,” meaning they will be “in harmony with each other.” Then (once again) joy of life can and will spread!

Panic disorder

Panic attack

Before we get to the insider tip on the overall topic of anxiety, a few lines on panic attacks.

When someone experiences a state of panic, their nervous system is completely overwhelmed. The body goes into emergency mode, so to speak; the oldest regions of the human brain take over, resulting in a fight, flight, or freeze response.

This results in corresponding biochemical processes, such as massive amounts of blood being pumped from the abdominal cavity to the extremities in order to deal with the situation that is perceived as an absolute danger.

In addition to the classic panic attack, which is also noticeable to others, there is also the so-called “silent panic attack,” in which those affected often experience palpitations and “tingling” in their fingers or legs.

The following is immediately very helpful in the event of panic attacks…

• [several times if necessary] Breathe in very slowly and deeply, counting to ten.
• Then, indirectly, i.e. afterwards, as far as possible, first establish safety; either by actively leaving the situation (moving is extremely effective!) or by confiding in someone you feel safe with.
• And finally – in the third step and with a little distance – it is of course worth looking at the roots and causes of why the emergency program was “triggered.”

Insider tip

Here’s an “insider tip”: Cultivate your sense of humor and all ways of changing your perspective –

Take yourself seriously, but not too seriously! That alone can work small miracles.
See also the blog post Humor.
You can find more “secret tips” in the blog post “Serenity.”